Diary 1

Diane,

I've been at HouseHouse for a few weeks. What can I say? It's a dump. There are rats in the garage. I'm tearing my hair out every day. It's something new every afternoon. Let me give you an example.

Yesterday Kerem spent all the daylight hours fumigating the house for invisible bugs that he said were giving him respiratory problems. We turned off the A/C and opened all the windows (???) so he could maximize his chances. Every time I would walk by him he would shout "JEREMY, LOOK. RIGHT THERE I'M FUCKING DOING IT." But there was nothing there. Then I caught him and Zoe as they were beating the shit out of a piece of furniture in the backyard. WTF ??

I'm just glad we have a car show every day here at Poincianna Drive. It really is a sight, how the variation in our pattern ebbs and flows. So asymmetrical! So organized! It's like that tree was planted for art! What house? This is HouseHouse! What driveway? This is HouseHouse! We are valet, scoopers, census irritation, wine poursman(person), and bra rock producer. Rent is due on the 15th, motherfuckers. Get it right or get out. No you can't use our fucking bathroom. I'm cooking Vigo in the toilet, asshole. You have to earn your right to start first on Rainbow Road.

It's the fucking Special Cup.